10 years
I realized that this year was the 10th year without you. Ten long, hard, exhausting, scary years. Ten years of Christmases, Thanksgivings, birthdays (mine, yours and our daughters), and a host of holidays and special days. I’ve wanted to do a post all year but put it off because I was worried I didn’t have anything ‘profound’ to say (whatever that means). I’ve realized that grief is a powerful thing; almost a protective thing. There are blocks of time I don’t remember. So much time has passed and yet it seems like just yesterday. I read somewhere that the 10th wedding anniversary gift is tin or aluminum. It is supposed to represent the strength of the marriage. I suppose it could represent the strength I never knew I had to go on living without you; the strength you were so confident that I had. It could represent the strength I have had to maintain in raising our daughter. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about you and us. What our family may look like now. Would you be gray? Would he have had more children? Would we have moved to a new house? So many questions.
Daily I ask for guidance and strength. The strength to go on and the guidance to parent a child alone. One day I woke up and realized that what I have been doing the last 10 years is surviving; not really living, just surviving. I’ve been in survival mode…just putting one foot in front of the other. I’m just now starting to not feel numb. Some days I feel lost. My distraction had been taking care of my daughter; now she is older and does not need me as much as she tries to figure out who she is. Now I think, “who am I and what do I want?” Initially these were very daunting questions; and while I’m still a little terrified, I’m also excited to see what the future holds.