There was a time when I thought I would never find love again, let alone get married. I believed that I had found my soulmate then lost him and that was it. I had resigned myself to a life of just raising my daughter and having close friends. A relationship was not in the cards for me. I felt like it would be betrayal. Like I wasn’t supposed to move on. Like somehow my late husband was staring down at me from above shaking his finger at me or giving me the evil eye. Like my life was supposed to stop.
One day (many years later) I decided that it was time…to at least give it a chance. I was lost. I was older and hadn’t dated in FOREVER. I missed my partner; my lifelong friend; my soulmate. I never tried to compare who I was dating to what I had lost. There was no comparison. But I found myself talking about my loss. I just wanted someone to listen. Turns out, that’s not what you do on a date…talk about your dead husband (somethings you have to find out the hard way). I’ve kissed a few frogs since then; none have turned into my prince charming (I say that because I already found my King). But I did something I never thought I could do: I slowly but surely survived. But I am by no means healed. Some days are more of a struggle than others. I had a nursing instructor tell me once that the one thing she could not give her students was time. I could read all the books, pass all the tests, pass my boards even, but when it came down to putting in the work, taking care of patients and feeling confident…that would take time. The same applies here. Time heals; time allows you to process. Time. The key is time.
I tried going to therapy. I was seeing a really nice lady. But as someone who had never gone to therapy, I didn’t know what to expect. I didn’t know what the goal was. I went once a week and every time I went, I spent the entire session talking about the day I found out. I could be having a good week but Thursday (therapy day) would come and the entire week went down the toilet. I eventually sent the nice lady an email telling her I didn’t think it was going to work and I stopped going. I looked for support resources but never found what I was looking for (perhaps I didn’t even know). I didn’t want support groups (I’ve never been a group type person). So, I decided to just be ok (and we all know how that went). As I have mentioned before you cannot rush these things. You have to feel it and go through it. That is why I started writing and now sharing with others…in an effort to be open and honest with others who may have been were I was.