You know, when you imagine your life growing up, it’s always cupcakes and roses, right? You tell yourself you’re going to marry a Prince and have a certain amount of kids and you think about where you’re going to live. I had a plan for my life: graduate high school, graduate college and get married then after a couple of years have a couple kids and live happily ever after. Most of that came true. I did graduate high school and then went on to graduate nursing school. Met a guy and had a child and was waiting for the happily ever after. That’s what we are supposed to believe, right? I had met a man who loved all the women in his life so fiercely from his mother, his sister, his aunts to me. I felt protected when I was with him. There was no doubt in my mind that he was going to love our daughter just as fiercely. He was such a loving and attentive person; we needed each other. He was the yin to my yang. We were like peanut butter and jelly, socks and shoes…we just went together. He helped me to not take myself so seriously and I like to think I encouraged him to be a bit more mature. He would take our daughter on “adventures” while I was at work. I could just picture being a daddy’s girl and closer to him than to me. I could picture the two of them ganging up on me and him taking her side and making me the bad guy. I envisioned my life so differently.
What is the saying, “we make plans and God laughs?” Have you ever felt as if you have had the rug pulled from under you? Like you just couldn’t breathe? Like you were just alone, no matter how many people are around you? I wouldn’t wish those feelings on anyone. The day that I found out my husband died was the loneliest day of my life. I remember walking to my car as I left work thinking “what am I supposed to do now?” I couldn’t believe that the man I had just said I love you to not 4 hours prior, was now dead. How was I going to tell my two year old that her father was not coming home? I had so many questions that day; more questions than answers. How could my world come undone so quickly? What had I done to deserve this? How was I going to go on?
So powerful and true! I can’t wait to read more. Thank you for sharing your realness
Those moments seem so surreal. It’s like our minds are never able to process the sudden lack of just being near them.
We know in our hearts that the pain we feel is just the counterbalance for the love we still have for them.
Know that YOU are still loved just that much. Even if it’s hard to feel it, just know it’s there, waiting for you.