So that happened, Pt 2

So I found myself a widow and single mother at 32. I told everyone I was fine…but I was anything but fine. Drowning in agonizing depression, I thought back to my wedding. I remember us spending the night together before the wedding, because after all, we lived together. Waking up the morning of the wedding and being so excited. Telling each other, “I’ll see you later today.” I remember saying our vows and how deeply I felt them. How deeply I felt that I had found and was now marrying my best friend. It had been a long time since I cried tears of joy and on that day, I sobbed. Who knew almost 5 years later I would be crying for a completely different reason. How quickly life changes; literally in the blink of an eye.

I was not fine. I would sit in my living room and stare at the TV like a zombie while my 2 yr old was playing. I was not fine. Going through the motions of the day but not actually processing any of it. I remember giving my child anything she wanted…tangible things. But the thing she needed most, I could not give. I could not give her ME. I couldn’t be there for myself let alone show up for my kid. Whatever she wanted, I got. Anything to keep her happy. But I still couldn’t give her ME. It hurts to admit that. I have never said it aloud. I am human. Family and friends would call or come by; frequently at first but that began to fade and before long you are left to your own thoughts. A dangerous place to be…in the dark recesses of your own mind. I learned that people mean well, they really do. But phrases like “God never gives you more than you can handle” or “this too shall pass” aren’t particularly helpful. Prior to having to deal with the death of a loved one, I would say things like that because I thought somehow the words would be comforting…THEY’RE NOT. So now I never say them. I remember thinking I would rather people not say anything than to say that. It seemed so rote, like did you really put thought into that before you said it? Or were you just repeating what you’d heard a thousand times before?

I was not fine, but in time…a long time, I would be. My husband always told me “you are stronger than you know.” I found out years later (like last week, lol) how true that was. But I didn’t feel strong. I was managing to muddle through life. I’d lost the head of my house; the person who was my other half. I had never really done well by myself. I had always lived with someone. I left my parents house and went to college with a roommate. From there, to nursing school with another roommate. After graduation, my best friend and I lived together until I bought a house. I found comfort in allowing someone else to take over. I’ve always found comfort in a clearly delineated plan; I didn’t (and still don’t) do well with the abstract things in life. So when I lost my other half, my partner in crime, my best friend, the head of my house…what the hell was I gonna do now? Learning to rely on myself is something that deserves it’s own separate post but know that it DOES and has come…with time.

I was not fine. I had unhealthy coping mechanisms to prove that. I began drinking a glass of wine a night just to take the edge off. I wanted to numb the pain; I just wanted to sleep. I couldn’t get enough sleep. One glass a night turned into half a bottle a night turned into a whole bottle. This went on for months until I sank into an even deeper depression. I told no one. No one had a clue. This too is the first time I’ve admitted that. The truth is it hurts but what I have learned is that you HAVE to go through it. You can try to numb the pain, you can try to evade the pain but you have to go through the process.