I love being a mother. I just hate doing it alone. At least if I was married, I would have a sounding board. I would have the opinion of someone other than the voices in my head. I am terrified of making the wrong decisions for me but especially for my child. What if she doesn’t go to a good school? What if I should take her out of private and put her in public? And various other non-sensical questions. I feel selfish for admitting this, but as a single parent I have no down time. It’s always just me. How do you teach your child to be outgoing when you are not? How do you teach her to stand up for herself if you don’t? How do you teach her assertiveness? I feel like if I had a partner, he would take her out to eat or to the mall or something so I could have some time to myself. I feel a tremendous sense of guilt for admitting that. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt for a lot of things and like my kid will need therapy as an adult for something I did or didn’t do.
It kinda sucks to not be able to go to all the school functions because you have to work and there is not another member of the family who can go. I used to envy the “in tact” families…the ones with a mother and a father. I felt like at least if I had a spouse we could trade off. Things you never in your life think you’ll have to deal with come up.
I miss my partner…
Some days I want to scream at the top of my lungs, “I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!” But I don’t want my daughter to see. I want to throw myself across my bed and have a fun out tantrum…but I don’t want her to see. Sometimes I feel the need to start crying and I am not sure if I would be able to stop…but she can’t see. I want to stop being an adult for like 5 minutes; stop being the carrier of the household…but she’s watching.
This kinda sucks….
Ahhh parenthood- if we had just read the warning on the box. I love how honestly you write the feelings and inner thoughts I myself have!
Public vs private? She’ll deal no matter what you choose.
Not making all the school events? It’s not always possible – even with “intact” families! She’ll deal.
Teaching her to be something you’re not – THAT’S the fun & whole point! – telling them their job is to grow up & be “better” than us is the answer to the hypocrisy accusation 😉
Your missing 1/2 would mace made some of this easier & I ache for that phantom pain, but don’t idolize what could have been either…
Needing time for yourself? Um, YEAH!! Of COURSE you do!
SCREAM!
Tantrum!
Cry!!!!!!
It does suck!
Trust me, you have raised a resilient young woman there – give her the benefit of knowing the REAL you.
Therapy? We ALL end up there – you’re not doing you job if you don’t give her something to talk about!!